You’ve been there. There is a conversation, an argument perhaps, and you walk away having not been emotionally honest in the moment. You were perhaps frozen, not able to connect to your thoughts and feelings and so the conversation ended without you doing what you need to do. Think back to some of the moments recently for you had an opportunity to tell someone you’re deep down truth, but you just didn’t have the courage to do it, or you waited in the moment passed. So what are some of the things that you wish you had said?
These moments often can come up and surprise us. They often arise when we least expect it, when we are perhaps the most overwhelmed with emotion, or fear, in the moment. Therefore, it makes us hesitate to tell the other person how we really feel now I put them in a few different categories. The first category I would stay is vulnerability. Sharing our vulnerable feelings that someone might ridicule or blow off or minimize or react to. Here are some examples of this:
I’m feeling really scared right now.
I’m wondering how you really feel about me.
I wonder sometimes if I am giving enough attention to our relationship.
Do you feel loved by me?
The next category is confrontation. This is when you walk away and you kick yourself saying that I wish I had told them how I really feel darn it. These are things when someone says something or does something, and we have the perfect opportunity to say oh hell no or that’s not okay or this is how I really feel about your behavior… And we don’t usually because we struggle with boundaries and avoid conflict. So when we walk away we’re safer, because we’re not in the moment anymore and no one can really hurt us. Then we’re back in our truth, and we’re very, very clear about where we stand and how we feel.
What I often suggest to clients is then GO BACK IN and say:
Hey, I know I didn’t say anything at the time, but that really hurt my feelings.
Or…I need you to stop doing that. If you choose to continue it is then your choice to disrespect me.
Then state your needs and your boundaries. Don’t CrazyMake though – acknowledge that you didn’t say anything – and they may have no idea you are hurting. Not saying anything in the first place is already passive-aggressive – so please don’t add to it by reacting when you go back. On the podcast episode today, we get into some great ways to practice healthy connecting. What I love is that we can practice these as much as we want, whenever we want, and simply get better and better at it.
Every time you go back you show yourself you actually CAN be open and honest, and you will get closer and closer to the moment when you can be real. This is a process that takes time and effort, but the payoff is amazing. The reward is less resentment, less disconnect and actually a deeper level of connection.