You holding out still? Are you waiting till you have enough time, money, or expertise? Until you’re rich and thin enough to tackle it? Holding out for perfect might give you a subconscious form of comfort or safety because you’re not making yourself vulnerable by just pressing play and by just starting and by just doing it. You find all kinds of valid reasons to not be able to get something done, to not be able to get started, or God forbid to finish something. It’s so easy to get yourself into circular thinking where you don’t see a way out.
But perfectionism is one hell of a prison. They all are nothing, black and white, perfect or horrible thinking is a recipe for never getting anything done. Because that’s all based on fantasy thinking. Perfect does not exist and striving to attain it will only ensure that you miss the opportunities in the here and now to actually do something! Most things are in life are not wonderful or horrible either. Most of our day-to-day stuff can be found in the Gray areas of what is good enough …what would feel good, what would give you the sense that you’re actually moving towards what you want, and what would bring relief?
Because one of the biggest obstacles and one of the biggest causes of perfectionism is shame. Shame means deep down you don’t feel good enough, that you’re worth is conditional upon something you either do or not do. If you work on saying to yourself it’s OK, if I at least do this today, it will be a hell of a lot better and will allow me to do more the next day. You can then reassure yourself and your subconscious mind but you can make changes and tweak things after you try it out. Here is where redemption lives people! Here is where you don’t have to have all the answers and you can figure it out as you go. Here is where you can do good enough and be happy with it. This reduces your shame because you are finally showing yourself that you can figure this out. You can get started. You can work your way towards feeling so much better about yourself.
So good enough is in the middle. I think it’s really helpful to ask yourself what is the bottom line here with this behavior? What is the baseline, the hell-or-high-water you want to make happen? Make sure you get really clear as to your why because this will really help you get clear and get motivated about that base line. Maybe a recent painful experience is really motivating because you never to want to have that happen again – like having big consequence for not paying a bill on time. So your new baseline becomes at least getting it paid on time. And you will sit down and figure out what you need to do in order to make that happen. Tell yourself why this really matters in terms of how you want to see yourself as a person.
The reason why the middle is so great, and the baseline is so great, is that you don’t set yourself up for perfectionism, AKA failure. You make the goal doable especially when you know life is going to show up and throw you curveballs when you’re trying to do this! Anything above the baseline is gravy. It’s wonderful but not the main goal. This way, you can start experiencing success which will continue to motivate you to do more and better and more and better and more and better as you go. As humans, we will naturally raise the bar.
Empowerment comes from doing. It comes from looking at what you’ve already accomplished which raises your self-esteem and therefore reduces your shame. You are creating congruence where your insides are matching your outsides more and more. You are living out what you say matters to you. You can feel more peaceful, grounded and on purpose. Disempowerment comes from carrying the black cloud of self-loathing around with you because you keep letting yourself down.
So self-discipline is all about sitting down with yourself and reality, and beginning to make commitments to live out your values of wanting to feel confident, responsible, and successful. It is a way to build self-trust which is such a necessary component to self-confidence. I also think that in order to have the courage to set big boundaries with those around you, and to ask for what you need, you need to trust and believe in yourself first in order for you to have the confidence to stand firm in your truth with others. We know that entitled, selfish, and narcissistic people are basically miserable because they cannot be proud of what they’ve accomplished. They lack commitment and self-discipline. They don’t have self-trust they look out to the world for everyone to rescue them and take care of them. There is no self-esteem this way.
So if you feel like you’re trapped in this prison, I’m handing you the key. Join us on this week’s episode and use the tools to get started to climb out of the hole. If you need more support I am here to walk you through and hold you lovingly accountable. My clients are working hard when creating the life they really want. You can too ?