How you got lost.
See, you weren’t allowed to be you, because they didn’t know how to honor themselves and therefore could not provide that for you. You may have learned to be what they need instead. You may have not received empathy and understanding, much less healthy mirroring so you could learn to honor your feelings and begin to trust what you think and want for yourself. Differentiation was seen as a “threat to the system”, because compliance was necessary to keep the dysfunction going. Have a listen to the podcast this week for a deeper dive into this.
Underneath the ability to have more self-confidence, to have healthy relationships and fulfill your true potential, is the capacity to trust yourself first – to trust what you think, feel and need as valid. Self-trust is foundational for authenticity, as well as the ability to use your gifts and take your place in the world. It is the underpinning of having the courage to be open and vulnerable so you can have deep, meaningful connections in your relationships.
This is mainly because this is where you formed your core beliefs, about the world, about others and most importantly, about yourself. These were formed out of conversations, experiences, and even what you may have misinterpreted from what others said and did. They were created out of glorifying to shaming experiences and everything in between. Your subconscious stored this data away and been orchestrating your life since then. My client the other day related how he was best “seen but not heard” at the dinner table growing up. He has struggled with speaking up in his relationships ever since, because he had learned to swallow his feelings and muzzle himself – and thus slowly lose himself over time to be what his mother needed him to be. This Disowning is a crucial piece to understand.
So I want to talk about how to find you again though because it is so possible! It’s about just getting back in touch Re-Owning the real you, and beginning to honor that day by day, and moment by moment. It is the first step I have clients begin to take in this journey back to the self. Here is a simple, easy three step process yet I encourage clients to also let the process to simply unfold – because it can be so profound that way.
1. Take moments: About once per hour throughout your day just set a reminder to just STOP. Find a quiet space and take a minute to just notice how your body feels. Are you tired, tense or sore? Do you have a headache? Hungry? Hangry? I know it may sound trite or silly, but so many of us are SO disconnected from our bodies we may need to get back in touch on this very basic level.
2. Next try to meet that need as soon as you can by eating, resting, taking a break or setting a boundary for yourself. Now, you probably will brush it off a bit at first – this can raise your anxiety at first! Just be gentle with yourself and keep at it. It gets easier and better every time – because you will notice how good and grounding it feels to follow through and honor that need. I mean it. It’s amazing.
3. Once you get used to doing this start adding into these moments the question “What am I feeling? Why does that make sense given what’s going on…and what do I need?” This is huge. By stopping and Validating what you feel goes such a long way to building incredible self-trust. AND it can keep you from leaking out or acting out these feelings! Because we usually act them out so OTHERS have to validate how pissed or hurt we are. Honoring what you need means you’re taking responsibility for your needs. It’s always better to first validate yourself and own it. That way you are Insourcing your empowerment!
By following this simple three step process, you will begin to notice a few things if you really practice it as much as you can each day. You will feel calmer and more grounded. Your confidence will go up. You will also get into problem-solving mode pretty soon and want to make changes in your life. Others will feel it intuitively that something powerful is shifting within you and will enjoy being around you more. Many times, clients will say others see their authenticity more and love it!
So take a 1-2-3 spin each day and see what is revealed to you. This is a big step in an amazing journey – one we can choose to take and retake whenever we want. Whenever life gets too busy and we forget to tap in. This is your superpower at your fingertips – literally and figuratively.