You Deserve Better: Why Self-Discipline Equals Self-Love

Maybe someone looking in would say it’s chaos. Bills aren’t paid yet, the house is a mess and you haven’t been able to work out more than twice this week. Your relationships have suffered because you promise things, and as much as your heart is in the right place you simply fail to follow though and deliver. Commitment requires the discipline to make it happen. On time and mostly every time. Why does this keep happening?

Self-discipline equals self-love. When we don’t really love ourselves, we demonstrate this by not taking care of ourselves.  We procrastinate. We start things then don’t finish them, moving onto the shinier thing. We promise then can’t deliver, at least not on time. Deep down we are secretly fulfilling the prophecy of Not Deserving.  Not deserving of the good things in life that only come from commitment, consistency and follow-through.

Of course, we may struggle to admit this truth even to ourselves.  Who wants to face that they consistently punish themselves via sabotage? That one of the biggest reasons they cannot get ahead, achieve bigger goals and feel satisfied is precisely this.  Without consistent follow through nothing “really” gets done.  It may get started, for awhile, but then the adrenaline rush dissipates, and we are left with the reality of the task. Of perhaps feeling deprived of fun/carbs/spontaneity. Then we sit in shame and guilt, which only sinks our motivation. Eventually things get bad enough where we must address it.

So how do you begin changing this vicious cycle? We need to trust and believe in ourselves to have the energy and the hope to try again, and that we can actually make it happen.  I think there are two layers to work on, often simultaneously.  The first one is healing whatever shame-based emotional hurt that has fueled this fear you don’t really deserve to be happy and successful. This is done via grieving, with someone safe, the damage done and distorted core beliefs that were formed.  Second, in present time, choosing ONE thing only to begin practicing consistency with.  Something manageable, smallish and one that will most likely have a successful outcome.  You can see yourself following through no problem and enjoying the result.  Do this ONE thing long enough where your brain has automated it into a habit like brushing your teeth.  Then you can move on and change one more thing.  And another…until your life begins to look disciplined.

As you experience the satisfaction of following through, the experiential evidence will help bolster your confidence and show you that yes, you can actually do better.  You can change.  Your life can begin looking completely different a year from now.  As you continue this process you change those core beliefs, because you’ve provided consistent evidence that yes you DO have it together.

So if you are feeling frustrated and overwhelmed by a million failed attempts at getting disciplined, don’t give up.  I think if you work on both layers and work with a coach to cheer you on and hold you accountable to yourself, you can do this.