Why we do we draw them to us? The same type of person every time. Whether they’re manipulators, emotionally immature, addicted, irresponsible or narcissistic, there are real reasons why you may continue to be an unhealthy person magnet. It’s really not your fault. Really. But if you want to understand and become more proactive in the future, here are some thoughts.
- They are familiar. Similar upbringing is great in that they understand where you come from and can relate to your experiences, especially your pain. Even better, they won’t judge you, which can assuage your fear of rejection around not feeling good enough because maybe you grew up poor or in an abusive or alcoholic home. However, we forget if they didn’t do the work around this well…things will get interesting in the relationship. If we continue to pick the same sort of person, we will get the same results.
- On a deep level we attract what we think we deserve. Again this is about not making peace with who we truly are. Doing that grief work around our past so we don’t feel as if it defines us any longer. Also, settling for less than we need or deserve means they won’t challenge us to look at our sh*t, because they themselves may not be as emotionally mature or responsible, etc.
- Maybe we haven’t been exposed to different. It’s very possible that we have been so limited and isolated that we haven’t experienced healthier, more connecting and uplifting relationships. We may have not been ready for them either…since we were not healthy enough ourselves. Our brains acclimate and normalize crazy over time as well.
- We Are at a Vulnerable Time. Whoa boy, have I noticed this with many clients over the years. Even ones who have done a bunch of work on themselves and really began creating a great life. Shortly after a big loss of a loved one, a divorce or another emotional hit, someone comes along and preys on this. Because these clients weren’t feeling grounded and were feeling a bit in need of comfort and distraction, it was the prime opportunity to fall for an old pattern since their head was not on straight and their self-trust was lower than usual.
- Poor Boundaries. SO even if you’ve come into great awareness around your “pattern” of who you pick and why, if you cannot say NO to those people who still decide to show up! In your life, you can repeat the pattern once again. They will keep showing up until you are “done” with the belief you don’t need and deserve better. Saying NO to them politely is really the best way you can honor yourself. Ever.
These are the top five reasons I have observed over the years, and usually you will struggle with almost all of them and not just one. Over time, clients share how they will get one aspect nailed down (like identifying they attract manipulators and why) but they still struggle to trust themselves to see the red flags in the beginning and act on them. So if you still struggle, take heart. By continuing to work on your self-confidence, practice (not perfectly either) trusting your gut every day about all sorts of things, you will start attracting better and better into your life.