Why Can’t You Just Do It? How Fear Keeps Us From Following Through
Most of us have things we would like to do…changes we would like to make, projects that are just sitting in our mind, or maybe even half-finished projects that are still sitting there awaiting completion. Why is it so hard to just follow through and finish it? Like I talked about on the podcast today, commitment requires courage. When we commit to something we are choosing it among other options and therefore taking a risk. We might choose wrong; we may not have a good outcome. We might fail.
The biggest culprit is fear. It’s often at the core of our struggles, and one of the biggest drivers is perfectionism. Borne out of childhoods where good enough was never good enough, we strive to get it just right so we can feel accepted, loved and that we are enough. But perfectionism is a prison that keeps us from taking risks, finishing things so that they are real and risky, and feeling confident that we can trust ourselves to follow through.
So how to work on this? I think that there are two layers we need to focus on to bring about sustained change. The first one is the deeper, clinical level. Finding a therapist if there is past trauma or lots of unresolved grief may be necessary to do the necessary healing around your self-worth. Or an empowerment coach if you’ve done that work but still need to work on the second layer, which is changing behaviors in the moment. This also will pull from the deeper work if done right, helping to affirm your worth and build self-confidence. Here are a few areas to focus on:
Decide what is most important and what is your bottom line. Perfectionism focuses “out there” on nouns you have zero control over. Anything can happen to throw a wrench into your plans. Figure out what is most important to accomplish, prevent or have as a net effect. This will help you let go of all the other variables that may not work in your favor. Learning to let of perfect to have Good Enough is the magic behind being willing to take steps forward and to try.
Decide what you will try out or experiment with. I love experimentation because there isn’t the final commitment yet until we see what plays out., and so nothing has to be “perfect or horrible” Your brain will see the experiential data that it cannot ignore, so try some things out to see what works and what doesn’t. In many instances you can tweak things or make small changes as you figure things out, which also slowly teaches you to become more comfortable with the grey areas of life, and not living on such rigid, black-and-white terms.
Decide what would be far worse than NOT committing to this. What are the real consequences of not taking steps, risking trying something new, or making big changes in your life? How will you feel later when time runs out to do these things? Will you really feel confident and love your life if you are not living the one you truly want – and I dare say need – to live? Sitting with these truths can be very motivating when you get scared, when you get frustrated and want to crawl back into the safety of your box.
Commitment is real, it’s risky and yet it is what creates self-esteem, a congruent life, and great relationships. With no follow-through, the life we want isn’t real. Yet.
