Men: Risk Speaking the Truth. Your Truth. She Needs to Hear It.
I can’t tell you how many times when working with relationships I come across the dynamic where a passive man is with a partner who seems to be controlling and “angry”. What I have uncovered over the years is that the partner is exhausted from feeling as though they are the only one who initiates problem-solving, who expresses thoughts and feelings. Therefore, their anger becomes the presenting issue instead of what is causing the anger and frustration.
It’s fear. Yes, fear. They cannot trust the man in their life to express his feelings in an emotionally honest way. He doesn’t set healthy limits with his partner, nor does he ask for what he needs. Instead, as I talk about on the show today, will punt to them and do what they want instead of what he really wants. This coping via passive aggressive behavior is a way for them to stay away judgment and conflict. Of course, that is EXACTLY what they end up embroiled in because they are NOT stepping up confidently and being strong dads and partners. Those vulnerable (and valid!) feelings are not expressed proactively. Instead, they are often stuffed and then expressed in defensive, sometimes even aggressive ways.
Both partners are operating out of fear-based control. The man uses avoidance, and his partner uses nagging and parenting him to avoid their reality; that he is not showing up authentically in the relationship. Setting limits. Negotiating what he is willing and not willing to do. Choosing. Owning his choices. When we don’t do these things, our only recourse is to act them out somehow.
Thus, the loss of partnership and trust, the increased conflict, and the seeking of relationship help. Does his partner need to step back and face the reality? Yes. And the man needs to do some deep work on being more emotionally honest and risk setting limits for himself. To approach conflict in healthy ways. To detach from the outcomes and just be genuine.
When I get to witness this gradual change in the man, it changes the relationship. In wonderful ways. They are building a foundation of trust, openness and personally responsibility. There is partnership and connection.
