Man Up. How Teaching Men to Disown Their Feelings Has Consequences
From a very young age, society teaches men to avoid looking weak. It is said that by the time a young boy of five or six years old reaches the playground, he will probably experience some sort of shaming if he cries or asks for help. Signs of “weakness” are crying, complaining, expressing fears, or revealing doubts.
Crying – “Don’t be a crybaby. Only girls cry.” As much as we would like to think that these archaic messages aren’t still being conveyed to little boys, they are for the most part. The younger men I work with seem to have an easier time emoting, but those are the ones showing up for counseling and coaching so I would assume they would be the outliers anyway. Boys are actually known to be more emotionally expressive up until the age of five, when they are then talked out of any crying when physically hurt or just upset. Therefore, when a woman or child cries, the man may be very uncomfortable and perhaps even become angry and dismissive. That is because they are doing something he has had to stuff way down and not allow himself to do. It looks too weak.
Complaining – Speaking of weak, expressing frustration and needs when things are difficult, either around physical pain or the emotional kind. Learning to simply “deal with it” and keep it moving further perpetuates the disowning of feelings. Since they can no longer express their complaints, they may react when you do. Getting upset, perhaps the rolling of the eyes when his son feels upset and overwhelmed. We can only allow others to do what we allow for ourselves. The father might be afraid his son will not be strong and confident so he makes it very clear that the child must tough it out.
Expressing Fears – Since that father can’t sit with and express his fears to others, he must find maladaptive ways to cope, such as acting out with rage and frustration, defensiveness, and/or avoidant behaviors. Fear is not allowed for many men, since the messaging was such that they are to be strong and invincible, and to solve problems quickly without a moment of self-doubt or hesitation because he is genuinely afraid.
Showing Empathy – Since so many men have been socialized to disown any difficult emotions outside of anger and certainly didn’t have their fears and feelings validated, they therefore have a very hard time expressing empathy when others are hurting. They may react with anger, shaming or ignore what was said. This can have detrimental impacts on their relationships with partners and their own children. Being emotionally unavailable is a huge contributor to affairs in my experience, as is raising kids who then go on to have self-esteem and often substance abuse issues later in life, not to mention trouble in their own relationships.
We have done young boys such a disservice in our culture. We have taught to them to essentially ignore their inner life so that they can be tough and succeed. To rescue everyone else and get the job done. But at a great cost. Today, we are getting better at recognizing the consequences and are working to shed light on “toxic masculinity” and are finding ways to redefine a balanced, confident yet emotionally courageous template for young men to follow. Hopefully you and I can become a part of the solution, and work at providing better empathy and compassion for the men and boys in our life.
