How to Be Trustworthy When You Speak

We all want trust because we need it in our relationships.  However, how often do we give serious thought to how WE come across to others?  Do those we care about share deep feelings and fears? Can you recall the last meaningful conversation even if it was a difficult one? If you can, do you recall how you handled that?  Here a few things trustworthy people demonstrate in their conversations.

You Keep it About You and Demonstrate Emotional Maturity.  So, when you are upset about something that went down at work, you don’t say to your coworker: “Do you believe that guy?  How can he say such a thing about me? He’s such a jerk, and not very good at his job anyway.  Why just the other day I noticed he made a mistake on his report…” Instead, you would own it and say “I’ll admit I’m a bit mad and disappointed by what he said, but that’s about him.  If there’s any truth in it I want to look at for myself I will certainly do so.”

You Practice Detachment and Therefore Can Provide Empathy.  Since you’ve done enough boundary work to know where you and others begin, you are able to therefore take a moment and focus on what they are thinking and feeling and need, keeping it separate from your stuff. We can’t do that when we make whatever is going on for them “about us” because how can you feel defensive and offer empathy at the same time? It’s difficult to do. So, we separate out what’s going on inside of us which is valid, and it isn’t about them. Both realities can be true your friend can be upset because you were late, and even though you don’t like that they are upset, it makes sense that they are, and it makes sense that you feel some healthy guilt.

You Focus on Wanting to Be Open and Kind.  From your body language to your tone, and the words you choose, you are practicing being open and compassionate, showing genuine interest in them, and in the connection of the conversation.  You intentionally try to display empathy and kindness, especially when it’s necessary.  You often validate that what they think, feel and need is valid, and if they are struggling reminding them that this will pass and they are a good person.  However, you don’t try to make it all better instantly by fixing their feelings and thus INVALIDATINGG what they are sitting in because YOU are feeling uncomfortable and powerless to change anything.

Of course, there are so many things we can do or not do in the moment from eye contact to emotional honesty and everything in between it all matters so much when we want them to feel emotionally safe with us…and us with them. It takes time to build emotional trust in a relationship, moment by moment we build either a limited relationship or one rich with meaningful connection.   So, this week as you focus on your interactions with those you care about, be thoughtful and intentional, practicing being approachable, with good boundaries and an open mind.