What Can Happen in the Moment with Social Anxiety

You know the feeling.  That awful anxiety that kicks in immediately when you have to meet someone new, have a difficult conversation, or worse are verbally attacked or manipulated in the moment.  If you struggle with social anxiety in general, it can be doubly hard for you to hold to your truth and remain present.  Here a few ways this can show up.

You React. Perhaps growing up, when you are asked a question, were confronted, or shamed or otherwise manipulated you fought back by being defensive or attacking back in passive-aggressive ways to get some power back.  In your adult life, this can play out whenever you are confronted, someone sets a boundary, or you are again manipulated.

You Freeze. When you enter the moment and fear arises, perhaps your mode of protection is to freeze rather than fight or flee.  You might feel frozen and not able to think clearly much less speak your truth, and it’s your brain’s fault.  It senses danger and normally it would send all the blood flow to your prefrontal cortex so you could reason and be rational and calm…and problem solve.  However if you have anxiety it actually “freezes” your brain and you stand there not able to access a rational thought.

You Acquiesce or People Please. You become the chameleon so you can be what or who they need you to be right now, instead of the real you.  Managing their impression of you creates tons of anxiety, and you again sold out instead of risking saying no, having a dissenting opinion or engaging in any healthy conflict by setting a boundary.

You Avoid by Looking Down or Away. Averting your eyes is another form of self-protection children use when being yelled at or shamed in another way.  One can then become accustomed to not engaging in direct eye contact when feeling anxious, since this creates a feeling of connection and thus vulnerability.  Looking down makes them feel even worse, and it also can create issues for the other person as they are not being connected with.

You Use Humor to Distract and Divert. When something serious or vulnerable is said, it is quickly diffused with a humorous remark or a dismissive statement.  Anything to divert from the discomfort of the moment.  Kids learn to use humor in high-conflict homes to divert attention away from the chaos or rage happening.  However, healthy communication requires us to convey an emotionally congruent and thus appropriate response if we want connection.  It brings us to the moment and makes it real.

These are just a few ways we can engage a fear-based response in the moment, rather than being grounded, calm and engaged, using appropriate language and conveyed emotions.  If you struggle with any of these, you came by them honestly and for good reason.  The good news is you can make some wonderful changes to your communication, moving away from unhealthy coping to genuine connection that will benefit YOU the most.  On the show today we get into ways to begin changing.  Have a listen and get started!