There are reasons why things aren’t changing…
They say it’s time when you are so tired of the mess. The frustration. Feeling Stuck. Trying to make changes but they either don’t work or they don’t stick, and you’re back to feeling defeated. But there’s hope. If you’re willing to be open to learning, then diligent about applying new principles, things can and will change for the better.
First, I think it matters to correctly diagnose the issue(s). Otherwise, we’re barking up the wrong tree and will run in circles not addressing or resolving anything. Understanding healthy versus unhealthy behaviors in general FIRST is so helpful because then we can identify what unhealthy things you or others in your life may be struggling with. It will explain so much, and help you feel less crazy and “less than” because you now understand what the problem is.
Second, we need to look at willingness and readiness to change. This is a big variable, and until we are truly ready, aka sick and tired of being sick and tired of the status quo, we won’t be able to pull the trigger and stay committed. We may yell, threaten the world etc when we’re angry, but that doesn’t mean anything until we are RESOLVED to endure the changes that we say we want. To let go of what is sounds easy if it isn’t what we want, but it means letting go of control of how everything plays out. Surrender means trust. And not trusting and therefore taking healthy risks in our lives and in our relationships is what keeps us stuck.
Third, we need to know HOW to change it. What did we identify as the issues? Where do we struggle the most? What is ours to change and what do we need to stop expecting from others who don’t want to get it together? I think it’s so important to know that we can change things, and exactly what to change to make things better. For example, if you’re tired of procrastinating, then working on your self-acceptance, boundaries and the ability to grieve may seem disconnected, but they can be the core drivers of this struggle. Just trying to change things on the surface alone usually isn’t sustainable.
Finally, we need the right tools and support to get us through. Although I love when my clients take the initiative to seek out reading and other materials to help them identify and understand concepts, I believe that if we all do this by ourselves it would be done already. We benefit from structured learning, to really get the process down, and people to teach us and learn along with us. Most of this stuff is learned the messy way in relationships. We need the healthy mirroring, reminding and encouragement that YES it’s ok to say no and NO you aren’t selfish, etc etc. I look at it as the family support many never received along the way.
So if you’re becoming frustrated with the way things are and you want to really get committed, seek out some empowerment coaching, find a good therapist or support group. Read and learn all you can. The rest is just doing the work.