The Moments that Shape Your Life
What are your defining moments? Those moments where something happened or you realized something and made a pivotal decision for our lives. We won’t live like this again, or we won’t let this happen again, or at least we hope we won’t. Defining moments are filled with strong emotion, with anger and fear as underpinnings even if we aren’t aware of them at the time. The fear is the feeling. The resulting decision is the “defense” against being vulnerable again. There are some moments that are positive though, such as choosing to be happy, to start a family, a new career, go back to school, or move far away.
Below are some of the ones I have come across over the years as I have sat with clients. They shared their stories and the meaning behind the moments. The word “defining” is key, because the decisions we make shape the years that come, in profound ways. See what types you may perhaps have already experienced, and more importantly, which ones you want to continue to allow power over your life.
Don’t Trust. This normally comes when you were young and trusted those in your life whom you were supposed to be able to trust, were too vulnerable not too, such as a caregiver, sibling or a person in a helping position. You may have quietly decided you would take care of yourself instead, and only people in so far. You would also continue, ironically to draw untrustworthy people to you to play it out again and again. The way to reframe this would be to focus on trusting untrustworthy people and trusting your gut more.
Don’t Be Poor. Success will save you. Growing up with socioeconomic stress can have a profound impact on a child. Families are often under a great deal of stress, with conflict and poor coping skills being the only thing in abundance. You may have decided you never what to feel like that again, so you become so driven toward success, at the cost of relationships and maybe your own new family.
Be the Best. Maybe not out loud, but perhaps you made a silent vow to yourself that only if you could achieve…academic, athletic or other success the family would be ok. You wouldn’t make your parents worry. Instead you would make them proud and maybe receive some of the attention they weren’t able to give you. Being successful can also make you feel as if you are so far removed from the past pain. The cost of perfectionism though is high. Others may find you difficult to live with, perfectionism is a prison that doesn’t allow for freedom, spontaneity and joy.
Don’t Conform. A quasi form of control, you may have rebelled in your teens, and maybe never stopped. We can rebel against controlling, perfectionistic parents by sabotaging our own success, underearning or not living out our full potential. Living in ways that are truly counter to the family’s norms and beliefs. Unfortunately, the only person that is hurt by this is you, since when we are living in a reactionary way, it’s still all about others and perhaps not our core truth.
So these are a few common examples of how defining moments shape our lives – usually out of pain. When we live defensively out of fear, we often make choices that may look great on the surface but have profound costs. It makes sense to look back and thoughtfully review our moments, and see what griefwork and healing need doing so we can move forward in positive and hopeful ways.
