Stop Stacking Dynamite! How Not Being Assertive Creates Resentment

Ever lose it on someone?  You know, when you didn’t bring it up to them in the moment how you were upset by something they said or did and now that they’ve done it several times you can’t take it anymore? That is what we call piling it up then letting it all out, usually in an angry way, and often taking the other person by surprise. The momentary “so there” feeling you have is quickly replaced often by embarrassment or guilt, since you probably had a tantrum instead of discussing it calmly.

So how does this happen?  Well, the pattern of avoidance, one we talk about on the show today, is created as a survival skill in childhood. For the child to survive in relationships they may have turned to avoidance: Of conflict, of rejection or even abandonment, even if that being left is emotionally.  Their needs, feelings or desires were not validated or honored and often their boundaries were violated emotionally, psychologically or maybe even physically.  To survive, they had to comply and stuff down how they really felt.  Anger about what has happened and needing some form of justice eventually.

The thinking is rather binary, either we take care of ourselves along the way in our relationships as things happen, or we are stockpiling dynamite and then have no control sometimes when it becomes ignited: when we’ve had a day, when they do something else, or THEY confront us on something that is bothering them. Then BOOM here comes the blast and we figuratively blow up the bridge.  That bridge can be our connection to them, the emotional safety in the relationship, and the ability to problem solve and heal things.

When we blow up out of the blue (while they had no idea we were stuffing all of this) we can create tremendous anxiety in the other person, and lose their respect and trust.  Ironically, respect is what we’ve been upset about the whole time, but then we just blew the idea of being heard, validated, and respected because we acted like a child. This cycle just perpetuates the idea that we cannot quietly discuss and make decisions.  It simply creates bigger problems.

So what to do? If you struggle with this, start to pay attention to when the things start to bother you, and think about what you can do to calmly ask for what you need or say no to someone. Doing it closer to the moment before you have become angry and resentful and let’s be honest – before you have, um embellished things a bit so validate your case – keeps it healthier and more emotionally honest.  You keep your need and/or your boundaries about you so it is no longer about them.  You hold your power and don’t feel so victimized.

Saying things such as “I’m sorry I cannot help you today.  Maybe tomorrow.” Or “When you say things like that it hurts me” are vulnerable and honest.  They tell the other person about you – and allow the other to make a choice about their behavior.  You feel better just stating your truth aloud, even if it’s a day later.  At least you haven’t stewed in it and made them the proverbial enemy in your mind.

I think nothing can create emotional distance in a relationship faster than unresolved hurts.  Getting them out sooner in a healthy way can keep the acting out to a minimum, and more importantly, the bridge intact.