I know. It’s so frustrating. You keep drawing the same type of person to you. The ones who are self-absorbed, immature or too controlling. But why? Well, it’s no accident, and the key is getting super honest with yourself in a loving way, and to focus on having a healthier relationship with yourself first. We attract where we are on the healthy/unhealthy continuum. The more we grow the healthier we draw to us. Here are a few specific things we can look at along the way.
Stop Settling for Less Than You Deserve. We get what we draw to us, and what we keep. In the early days of the relationship, how may “red flags” did you see but blow off, finding a perfectly perfect rationalization for it like you typically do. We say they’ve just had a hard time of lately, etc, etc. instead of holding them accountable. And ourselves accountable for allowing it in the first place.
You’re Not Looking at Things Objectively. If we don’t have good enough self-esteem, heal our trauma, have decent boundaries and take responsibility for our behavior there is no way we are capable of having a healthy relationship. So if your partner/friend/coworker struggles with any of these areas, chances are good they will bring chaos if not toxicity to the relationship.
You’re Allowing Yourself to be Manipulated. Too much attention, too much adoration. Too good to be true- because it is. Love bombing, over focusing on you is all about control and nothing else. It wears down your natural defenses over time and messes with your sense of reality. It’s NOT real. No one can be that perfect and at your service in a sustainable way, nor should they. Realistic is they are interested in you, yet their primary focus is on their own life and their own responsibilities.
Make Sure You Know What’s Non-Negotiable. I work with clients to list what their boundaries are for those in their life, such as the other having decent self-esteem, maturity, boundaries and kindness. The trick is proving to yourself that you really KNOW these things are true for them, and that takes evidence, which takes time. Anyone who rushes you has control issues. Run. The other way. Now.
Of course, there are other things to consider as to why you might be attracting the less-than-healthy people into your life, but the bottom line is to heal whatever wounds you might have that can subconsciously diminish your self-worth, and then set the limits on yourself around the wishful thinking. Take your sweet time and allow reality to just play out before you jump in.