Not Knowing What to Say…Why You May Struggle with Empathy

Many of us don’t wish to admit that we suck at doing real empathy, especially those of us who consider ourselves to be very caring and compassionate.  We have values, we love people dearly.  So, what gives? Why do we then struggle to validate others and say the right things in those big moments?

Maybe it was never modeled for you or given to you.  Did you witness your parents offering you validation when you were hurt, angry sad or excited? Were those feelings ok to have, and even better, appropriate to what was going on for you? Did you witness self-compassion or self-criticism when they were frustrated with a situation or themselves?

What we do know is that if you weren’t shown it or given it, it will be hard for you to practice self-compassion or empathy for others. What we don’t often think about is the fact that emotional regulation, or the ability to manage their emotions is also passed on to you via modeling as well. Did you witness decent self-control? It’s important, because it shows children how to be able to accept and navigate through mistakes and difficult feelings, so they can learn to do the same.

When parents struggle to provide compassion and empathy, they also fear vulnerability and healthy boundaries.  So not only did you probably not receive empathy, but you also dealt with feeling responsible for others’ feelings and choices. They also didn’t know how to grieve in healthy ways so they couldn’t allow for you to do the same…to let you have your feelings, validate them and allow you to sit with reality and be vulnerable and real.

I think empathy is an inside-out job, and we cannot genuinely give to others what we haven’t yet given to ourselves.  So, if you realize you grew up without it, first realize you parents didn’t either.  Then, get to work on self-compassion and some healing of old wounds never grieved. As you do this work you will begin to notice a natural desire to want to reach out and give it to others.