What Happens When We Can’t Be Assertive?

Being passive-aggressive. Not a great descriptor we want to have applied to our behavior, but if we aren’t being assertive, I believe we must be doing that.

One of the basic premises we need to understand is that this is what I call a “binary issue”, meaning if we don’t do one, we will then have to do the other.  If we cannot use our voice in healthy ways, asking for what we need in the moment and practicing boundaries, we are then left to do the only other thing we can do: to act out in some way that is not direct or genuine, and is indeed passive aggressive.  Here are some ways we can do that:

We Can’t Say or Hear No.  Instead of graciously declining a request for help or standing up for yourself, you simply don’t say anything in the moment, or worse you people please and lie and say “yeah sure” or stomp out of the room.  You do whatever others ask, even if it’s very inconvenient.  You may also struggle to not take offense when others say no to you or set limits because it feels like it’s a rejection of you instead of them taking care of themselves.

We Use Sarcasm or Vagueness.  Because we aren’t taking care of ourselves in these moments, of course we end up feeling angry, resentful, and anxious.  We then must do something to show them and/or the world that we are not ok.  We sigh, we make snarky comments, or we lose it over something small and/or unrelated to what we are really upset about.  We do too much, we wear ourselves out and pile on the worry.  We are “fine” when anyone asks what’s wrong.  We seethe quietly and make the other person out to be a monster, instead of taking responsibility for confronting the issue.

We People-Please and Otherwise Manipulate by saying “sure” when we mean no, to over do for them so we can ignore our own needs and lose ourselves.  We may also use guilt and victim stance to put it on others to take care of us, instead of outright asking.  We “forget” to do things we agreed to or drag our feet if we do get it done, feeling drained and at the mercy of what others want.

The antithesis of all of this of course is to practice emotional honesty, learn to set boundaries and to do it without acting out in anger. It entails being more assertive: Owning our truth and speaking that truth to others, as we also allow them to do the same.  This creates emotional safety and trust. I think anything outside of direct and honest is well…manipulating someone.