The Most Important Thing Your Kids Need from You

You work so hard. To feed them, clothe them, keep them safe and help them learn.  You make sure they know they are loved, and you are often doing so much for them it’s hard to find time to give them what they need the most:  your calm presence. What do I mean by this?

We Need to Be Emotionally Safe. That means we need to be someone they can talk to and not be questioned, judged and/or lectured if we can help it.  These things only convey the message that they should not trust their own judgment and they aren’t competent enough to figure it out and find good solutions.  If we can stop and listen…ask them, what do they think they should do…what have they already thought about…how do they feel about the situation? We are allowing them to be wherever they are in their process, and we are not telling them what to do, think, need, or feel. This requires good boundaries on our part, and thus tamping down our need to control the outcome, no matter how valid our fears are and how much we love them. But how do we do this?

We Need to Use Loving Detachment. Within our boundary work is detachment with love, where we practice, practice screw up and practice again to let go of control.  We try in conversation to not insert ourselves into their decision making, and at the same time grieve and make peace with the fact that control is an illusion anyway.  Besides, if we want them to become happy, well-adjusted adults, we need to begin now to let them figure a lot of things out for themselves, and we are there to answer questions and support them of course and let them learn their lessons without our judgment. Don’t we all need that?  Don’t we as adults only call the people when life hits the fan who won’t shame or guilt us when we’ve blown it?

We Need to Just Listen and Validate. One further, we need to mirror back their truth, letting them know that they make sense, and why what they think, feel and need is valid.  Using empathy (which takes intention and practice), we can mirror back their experience and validate it.  This way they don’t feel crazy or alone and can begin to trust their thoughts and feelings more over time, because we aren’t telling them to dismiss or minimize them, because WE aren’t dismissing or minimizing them when they share with us.

We don’t have to do it perfectly and none of us will anyway.  But when we can think to, when we take a moment and breathe first and sit down and listen.  Or not jump to fix it for them or fix their feelings, we allow them to share what’s going on.  And when we blow it, we own it and apologize for being distracted or fear-based, and instead validate what they said at dinner.  Every time we try, and they feel that, it matters.

So keep trying and don’t give up.