Seeing Potential vs. Seeing Reality: Why We Ignore the Truth About People
Why Do We Cling to Someone’s Potential?
Most of us have, at some point, held onto a version of someone that doesn’t really exist—not in the present, at least. We see their potential, what they could be, if only they would just try harder, make different choices, or commit to their own growth. We tell ourselves, They just need time. They have so much inside them. I see glimpses of it. And while grace, patience, and belief in others are beautiful qualities, there’s a fine line between allowing people to grow and refusing to see that they’re choosing not to.
As I talked about on the podcast this week, this pattern often starts in childhood. If you grew up with emotionally unavailable, inconsistent, or unpredictable caregivers, you likely learned to focus on what they were capable of, rather than what they actually gave you. When a parent showed affection sometimes, your nervous system latched onto that moment, reinforcing the belief: See? They do love me. I just have to be patient. If a caregiver occasionally apologized, you learned to excuse the bad days because you saw glimpses of who they could be.
And so, we take this into adulthood—giving endless grace, waiting for potential to turn into reality, and making excuses for people who aren’t actively working on themselves.
Potential vs. Choice: The Difference Between Growth and Avoidance
Believing in someone’s ability to grow is not the problem. The problem is when we ignore the evidence that they aren’t actually choosing to.
Grace is saying: “I know people are imperfect, and I allow room for mistakes, setbacks, and growth.”
Denial is saying: “I know they aren’t growing, but I’ll keep waiting for them to.”
Here’s how you know the difference:
- Are they showing up for the work, or just talking about it?
- People who want to grow take action. They seek help, reflect, make changes—even if imperfectly. Their whole demeaner changes…their focus is now on themselves, and their desire for change is palpable and consistent. True growth requires accountability. Someone who is genuinely working on themselves will be able to acknowledge their mistakes, own their actions, and make real efforts to do better.
- People who don’t want to grow stay in cycles of excuses, empty promises, or blaming others. They might even take a few steps to fool themselves (and you) that they’re really doing this.
- Are they taking responsibility for themselves?
- Growth requires accountability. If someone constantly justifies their behavior or deflects blame, they are choosing not to grow.
- If they can say, “I messed up, and I’m working on it,” that’s a good sign of real progress.
- Is your belief in their potential keeping you stuck?
- If you’re constantly hurt, exhausted, or feeling like you have to “fix” them, it’s time to step back and reassess.
- Healthy relationships don’t require you to carry the weight of someone else’s growth.
Why It’s Hard to Accept That Someone Isn’t Changing
When we invest in someone’s potential, we’re also investing in the story we’ve told ourselves about them. We don’t want to admit that they may never become the person we hoped they would be—because that would mean facing the grief of lost hope, lost time, and possibly even the loss of the relationship itself.
But ignoring reality doesn’t stop the truth from being true. It only keeps us stuck in a cycle of disappointment, frustration, and self-betrayal.
Letting Go of Potential and Accepting Reality
So what can you do when you recognize that you’ve been clinging to someone’s possibility instead of their reality?
🔹 Acknowledge what is true today. Not what was true in the past, not what might be true someday—what is happening right now?
🔹 Let go of the idea that you can change someone. Growth is an inside job. If they aren’t choosing it, it’s not your responsibility to drag them toward it.
🔹 Give grace where it’s deserved, but not where it’s abused. Grace means allowing space for growth. It does not mean tolerating endless cycles of harm, neglect, or avoidance. Ever.
🔹 Shift your focus back to yourself. If someone isn’t growing, the real question is: Why am I staying? What am I afraid of facing if I let go?
