Self-Abandonment Isn’t Your Fault—But Healing Is Your Responsibility

There’s a good chance that if you’ve been living in survival mode, people-pleasing, second-guessing yourself, or staying quiet when you should speak up—you’ve been abandoning yourself. And the truth is, most of us have done it. It’s why I’m talking about it on the podcast this week.

We didn’t do it because we’re weak or broken. We did it because it felt safer. We did it because we were taught—explicitly or subtly—that being “too much,” having needs, or rocking the boat made us unlovable or unsafe. So, we adapted. We stayed small. We kept the peace. We performed instead of living fully.

Self-abandonment looks different for everyone. Maybe for you, it looks like constantly checking how others feel before you even consider how you feel. Maybe it’s agreeing to things you don’t want to do…or biting your tongue to avoid being judged. Maybe it’s always being the strong one, the helpful one, the low-maintenance one, even when you’re barely holding it together. These aren’t personality traits. These are survival strategies that helped you navigate painful or invalidating environments.

But here’s the turning point: what helped you survive isn’t what helps you heal.

At some point, self-abandonment stops being adaptive and starts being damaging. You begin to lose touch with who you are, what you value, and what you even want from your life. You don’t trust your gut. You don’t speak your truth. You don’t feel at home in your own skin. And over time, anxiety and depression can quietly settle in—not just as mental health symptoms, but as the emotional weight of living a life that doesn’t feel like yours. You may feel restless and on edge, or numb and disconnected, without fully understanding why. That’s what happens when your internal world gets silenced for too long. And while this may not be your fault, especially if it began in childhood—it is your responsibility to change it now. Not because you owe anyone perfection. But because you owe yourself peace.

Healing starts with noticing. Catching yourself in the moment you start to leave yourself behind. Being brave enough to pause and ask:

• What am I feeling right now? Not the polite or surface version—but the real emotion underneath. Am I irritated because I’m overstretched again? Am I sad but pretending I’m just “tired” because sadness feels harder to explain?
• What do I actually want or need? Not what I think I’m supposed to want to keep others happy, but what feels honest for me—like needing rest instead of pushing through one more thing, or craving time alone even if someone else might be disappointed.
• Am I abandoning myself just to be accepted? Like when I laugh along with something that actually makes me uncomfortable or stay quiet in a conversation where I disagree just to avoid tension. Or when I say “yes” to plans, favors, or expectations that don’t feel right—because I’m afraid that saying “no” might cost me connection.

Self-compassion is not the opposite of accountability—it’s the foundation for it. You can own your healing without blaming yourself for how you got here. You can take responsibility while still offering yourself deep, daily kindness. Because shame won’t help you grow—but understanding will. Healing isn’t about beating yourself up for the ways you coped; it’s about recognizing that you deserve more now. More truth. More presence. More care from yourself, especially in the moments you’re tempted to disappear again.

You don’t need to rewrite your whole life in one day. Just start by choosing not to leave yourself behind in this moment.