Understanding the Pull: Why We Choose Unsafe Relationships
Even if we came from an experience of unhealthy relationships early on in life and swore “no more” would we, it’s not uncommon to find ourselves drawn to people who are, in essence, emotionally unsafe. Despite knowing deep down that these connections may not serve us well, we find ourselves unable to resist their allure. So, what is it about these relationships that captivate us? Let’s delve into the reasons behind our tendency to choose unsafe people.
One of the primary reasons we may gravitate towards unsafe relationships is rooted in our past experiences and unmet needs. Often, our earliest relationships with caregivers shape our expectations and perceptions of love and connection. If these needs were not adequately met or if we experienced trauma or neglect, we may subconsciously seek out relationships that mirror these familiar dynamics, even if they are unhealthy. Some believe that we are trying to “finally make it right” by trying to get emotionally unavailable people to give us what our caregivers could not.
Believe it or not, there can be a strange comfort in the chaos of unsafe relationships. The unpredictability and drama may feel familiar or even exciting, especially if we grew up in environments marked by instability or dysfunction. We may mistake intensity for passion and believe that we can “fix” or change the other person, repeating patterns of codependency and enabling in the process. The more stable, honest, and self-reflecting folks just might not seem as compatible or interesting to us. For some of us, we might be downright terrified others who can be present, honest, and have boundaries, especially if we ourselves haven’t fully developed those qualities.
For some, choosing unsafe relationships may stem from a place of low self-esteem or a need for validation. We may believe that we don’t deserve better or that this is the best we can hope for in terms of love and connection. Seeking validation from others, especially those who may not have our best interests at heart, can become a vicious cycle that perpetuates feelings of unworthiness and inadequacy. Also, as I mentioned in the previous paragraph, we might not feel “ready” for someone healthier because they may call out our lack of boundaries or the ability to truly take ownership of our life.
Fear is a powerful motivator, and the fear of loneliness or rejection can drive us to cling to relationships that are ultimately harmful. We may fear being alone more than we fear being in an unhealthy relationship, leading us to tolerate mistreatment or neglect in exchange for companionship. This fear can be compounded by societal pressures and expectations around love and marriage, making it even harder to break free from toxic patterns. I also think the unhealthiness of the relationship can further erode our sense of self-trust and confidence, making it even more difficult to think we can be alone with self. This is why when I work with clients in this space, I focus more on their individual healing and restoration of self-trust, because I watch them eventually need better and healthier for themselves. They finally become strong to set healthy boundaries for themselves.
Understanding why we choose unsafe relationships is the first step towards breaking free from these patterns and creating healthier connections. It requires introspection, self-awareness, and a willingness to challenge our beliefs and behaviors. By recognizing our worth, setting boundaries, and prioritizing our well-being, we can cultivate relationships that nurture and uplift us, rather than ones that drain and deplete us.
