It’s the Little Things: Why Micro Traumas Matter.  A Lot.

We hear a lot about big trauma, with world events and local tragedies in the news often enough to remind us these days.  What I don’t think we appreciate are the impacts of “micro-traumas”, or the little things that add up over time and can be harmful yet are so insidious we may not even see them at first.

Margaret Crastnopol, Ph.D., a Seattle-based psychologist and psychoanalyst who has studied the phenomenon in depth, defines micro-trauma as “seemingly insignificant experiences that are emotionally injurious to oneself or another.” She labels the “micro-traumatic” or small, subtle psychic hurts that build up to undermine a person’s sense of self-worth, skewing his or her character and compromising his or her relatedness to others. Here are a few of her examples, along with some of my own.

Being Suddenly Abandoned – when you are ghosted or left without explanation or processing feels like abandonment.  She explains how there is no chance to air your grievances, feelings or to find out the real reasons why they left.

When Loved Ones are in “Stagnant Entrenchment” – Dr. Crastnopol says this is when your loved one is rigid about staying in the dysfunction. I think this does impact you.  I call these “unintended net effects” on us that we often don’t consider or think about how our immaturity affects those we care about.   I often wonder if this isn’t because we are so caught up in what the self-centered rigid person in our life is doing or not doing, we may not notice the stress it puts on us.

Being Gaslit – The crazy-making behavior, over time, creates internal confusion and can result in a loss of self-trust, anxiety, anger outbursts and control issues where you obsess over the conversation and the situation.  You find yourself spending way too much time on this.  Feeling this off-balance keeps you in the flight-or-flight mode, ever vigilant for the next thing to happen. The trauma is the damage to your self-esteem and well-being.

Being Guilted – Family can be famous for this, but so can friends and partners.  Guilt can make you feel as though your thoughts, your needs, your boundaries, and your desires are somehow wrong, and you are being asked to choose between honoring yourself or honoring what they want you to do.  We should not have to be forced to choose this way.  Negotiating and compromise while respecting each other’s boundaries is best.  The damage here, again, is to your well-being and to the emotional safety of this relationship.

Being Bullied.  This can take many forms, such as teasing that goes too far or is too often, being questioned and even being undermined as a parent more than once. When they bulldoze your boundaries or try to talk you out of them…

Being Chronically Stressed – About ongoing financial worries, legal struggles, vigilance around crime in the community or other insecurity.  Over time this can deeply stress not only our psyches but our physical health.

So, in comparison to the big traumas of accidents, war, and natural disasters, we might brush off and not pay enough attention to these micro forms of anxiety-producing events and issues.  But I think it is in our best interest to take an honest look, early and often, and see what we can do to mitigate some of the damage via setting boundaries, getting support and practicing good self-care.