How Old Wounds Could Be Affecting Your Self-Confidence
To have self-confidence, sometimes we need to work on some of the original wounds to our self-esteem usually via our relationships with family, first teachers or kids in the community. Here are some things you were supposed to get:
To Be Allowed to Be an Individual. Sounds obvious, but most families aren’t overt in how they make this difficult, either. Passive-aggressively they can give clear messages that you aren’t allowed to speak your mind (“Now you just watch yourself, son…”) or have your anger or your disappointment in the room (“You will be find. Be grateful it wasn’t worse!”) or (“Now look, you’ve upset your mother.”) These loving families lack good boundaries, and the manipulation that happens can mess with your head – and you don’t even know it’s happening. The result: You begin to disconnect or at least question your own thoughts, feelings or needs. Or you rebel as a teenager, often to your own detriment.
To Not Have to be Perfect, Invisible or Parentified. To be able to be a five-year-old and not expected to worry whether the family has enough money to pay the rent or to watch your two-year-old sister. To not have to get straight A’s and to be allowed to struggle in school. To have your feelings and needs validated, and your successes celebrated. That you were listened to and heard. You didn’t have to be the compliant child that never was the squeaky wheel your brother was with all the trouble he got into…
To Be Able to Trust and Count on Parents to Be Grownups. By this I mean for the most part they were responsible, mature, and trustworthy. They followed through on their promises and you didn’t have to walk on eggshells around them. Your caregivers handled problems effectively, had good boundaries and took responsibility so you could be a kid. So, you could just be yourself.
There is so much more that you needed to end up with your self-esteem intact, but I think this list can get you started on the journey of discovery if you haven’t already done so.
