Why It’s So Hard to Let Go

The crazy irony about the concept of releasing something, which sounds effortless, is that it actually can be quite a bit of work to be able to do.  If it wasn’t so difficult, our world would look so different.  We would have less conflict, fewer wars, murders, or mass shootings.  The need for control would be greatly lessened as fear of losing power or resources would not dominate the mindset. Folks would feel more naturally empowered and thus would not have the need to tear another down.

Fear IS the driving force behind the control. It is the biggest obstacle to letting go, because it means surrendering to what is rather than pretending to have some sort of control over others or situations or both. We are afraid we will not be ok without the resources and results we think we must have our hands on for life to be ok.  In terms of waiting outside of an ER that makes sense.  We fear loss and think it unbearable if the worst thing happened, because it probably would feel that way. Surrender feels too much like giving in and facing what we don’t want to see. Or feel.  Or need.

The other impediment to letting go is having blurred boundaries with others and with circumstances.  We have difficulty detaching ourselves from other peoples’ feelings needs, reactions or choices and therefore feel responsible for these outcomes.  Its then very hard to let go of what happens, because we feel as if we can exert some magical power to make people happier, smarter, and more successful, and while we’re at it we can secure perfect outcomes like in the movies.   If we can differentiate ourselves from others and what they do or don’t do, we cannot let go of what happens.

The “bit of work” I mentioned earlier is the grief work we must do so that we can allow ourselves to sit in the feelings of fear, anger, sadness and maybe disappointment when we let begin to detach and focus within our own hearts and get honest about our motivations.  The fear that we cannot metabolize this grief is what keeps us focused outside of ourselves so we don’t have to entertain the idea of feeling overwhelmed with emotion, perhaps terrified we won’t be able to glue ourselves back together.

But glue we must, so that we can finally sit with our deepest truths, and then allow others to have their own.  Letting go means allowing reality to play out, and maybe just maybe it will turn out better than even we could have “made” happen.