You Can’t Advocate For Yourself if You’re Ambivalent
Being assertive means trusting yourself first. If you are still struggling to believe that what you feel and need is valid, and that your boundaries should be respected, then it will be very difficult for you to not only speak what you need, or say no to what you don’t want, but to be able to hold the line when challenged. It takes time to process your truth with safe people, heal the wounds that caused you to doubt yourself in the first place, and to practice standing up for yourself.
I tell clients this takes LOTS of relearning what’s healthy, why it’s not selfish or rude or ridiculous (things only toxic people will tell you by the way), and why it matters that you feel honored. This reeducation is best done with healthy others, be it a coach, counselor or support group so you can be continually reminded of the truth and not the lies you were told or assumed long ago. This means hours of conversations about current situations and how you could best address them. It also means practicing healthier self-talk in your head when you don’t have another human to work through it with.
Then the rest of it is learning as you go, taking small risks with every interaction, realizing what feels better and why, what’s normal and what is simply toxic or acting out – either on your part or theirs. You also begin to see the capacity of those around you to tolerate, embrace or reject your new assertiveness and self-trust. You will probably notice there is a connection between others with self-trust and boundaries are the ones who will be able to honor you, and actually want you to stand in your truth.
The more you practice, the easier it becomes, and the more you then internalize your truth. Telling others why this is your particular boundary, or why you are choosing X to do this weekend is important. It helps you back up what you are saying, and most importantly it belongs to you. These things help comprise who you are, or at least the person you are becoming. The feedback you receive will help you evaluate the validity of what you think, need, and choose…for you. Saying it aloud to others reinforces what we believe, no matter what that belief is. Use this to your advantage! Simply experimenting as you go is the work. Experiencing how much better you feel overall, well that is the magic.
